WOOO 20k! and star wars

Darling readers, a very exciting thing has happened to my blog: you've read it over 20,000 times! This makes me feel incredibly cool, and in honor of me feeling cool, I am about to debase myself at the altar of nerds and say:

Before last night, I had only ever seen the Star Wars that has Jar Jar Binks in it. 

I know, I know. How does a person get to be 25 years old and (essentially) never having seen Star Wars? To be honest, I don't really know. It didn't start out as a conscious choice - my parents just weren't really Star Wars people, I guess, and despite spending my seventh grade year being the only girl in chess club and hanging out with the comic book nerds, it just never happened. Then, by the time I got to college, it had turned into this weird sort of unicorn status (you mean you've never seen Star Wars?! WHO ARE YOU), and honestly I wasn't all that keen to give it up. 

Also, you try having your knowledge of the Star Wars universe revolve around Jar Jar and see how into the concept of watching any more of that you are.

So, anyway, last night Abby's work hosted a let's-watch-Star-Wars-Episode-IV party, and it seemed as good a time as any to start.

Readers, stop now if you want to avoid hating me.

I do not like Star Wars (or at least, Episode IV). 

Now, hear me out - I will watch the rest of them (in machete order, bien sûr), and I will let you know how each one goes, but, guys. Come on. Episode IV. Are we serious.

Here are some points in my defense:

• Being 25, growing up in the US, having my friend circles from junior high through currently being composed largely of nerds, and loving sci-fi and fantasy, it is literally impossible that I would not know every single possible spoiler in the Star Wars universe (or the big ones, anyway). 
• We watched the "enhanced" version and, let's be real, layering modern CGI into 70s footage is awkward at best and exceedingly cringe-inducing at worst. 
• Mark Hamill, god bless 'im, was NOT 16 at the time of filming and did not in any way look it, so Luke just seems like a petulant, boring, idiot of a grown-ass man who should have known better than to LITERALLY ANYTHING because while a lot of Luke Skywalker behavior is okay for a teenager it looks ridiculous on an adult.
• This. 

Here are some things I did actually like:

• C-3PO and R2-D2 as comic relief (though Marvin will always win in my book for best anthropomorphized robot; also, I did not really like them as plot devices, just as comic relief);
• Sexy, sexy Han Solo and Princess Leia. Sexy. So sexy. I told Abby we should dress up as Han and Leia for Halloween and that she should be Han, and she got incredibly flattered, so then I told her she could be Mal Reynolds as well (except I'd be Zoe, so she should be Wash, but that is neither here nor there). This is the secret of a happy relationship, dear readers. 
• Han and Chewy being best friends, because let's be real, that is the best friendship.
• Obi-Wan had some decent moments, acting-wise.
• Leia is pretty badass.

Here are some things I did not like that are bullet-point-able:

• WHY IS THERE SOUND IN SPACE
• PHYSICS DO YOU EXIST
• NONE OF THESE SHIPS SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY
• HOW DO YOU EVEN BUILD A SPACESHIP THE SIZE OF A PLANET
• WHY IS IT SO EASY TO DESTROY
• WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO REALLY OBVIOUS EXPOSITION EVERY FIVE MINUTES
• WHY IS LUKE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THE HERO WHEN HE SUCKS AT EVERYTHING
• WHY IS LUKE THE WORST
• WHY DIDN'T LUKE JUST DIE IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR
• WHY DID THAT TRASH COMPACTOR EXIST, WHY WEREN'T THEY INCINERATING THEIR WASTES SO THAT THEY COULD CONVERT IT TO ENERGY VIA HEAT INSTEAD OF WASTING A SHITLOAD OF ENERGY COMPACTING IT TO DO WHAT WITH IT WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO WITH IT
• WHY DID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT STUPID TRASH COMPACTOR MAKE ANY SENSE
• WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT LUKE CAN USE THE FORCE TO WIN WHEN VADER CAN CHOKE A DUDE WITH HIS MIND WITH LIKE ZERO EFFORT AND LUKE CAN BARELY DEFEND HIMSELF AGAINST A TRAINING BOT
• WHY DIDN'T CHEWY GET A MEDAL
• WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AMERICAN AND BRITISH ACCENTS WHEN THERE IS NOT A CANONICAL EARTH ESPECIALLY IF IT IS A LONG LONG TIME AGO BECAUSE WHY WOULD THERE BE ENGLISH EVEN WHY IS THAT HAPPENING
• WHY IS LUKE SO BORING
• WHY IS LUKE
• WHY
• HOW IS EVERYONE WORKING ON THE DEATH STAR SO INCOMPETENT
• WHY DID THOSE GUYS ON LEIA'S SHIP NOT HAVE BETTER ARMOR
• WHY ARE THE FIGHT SCENES DUMB

I'm stopping because I'm exhausted thinking about this movie, not because I am out of angry caps. I literally got so frustrated that I fell out of my chair onto a concrete floor because I just. Could. Not. With. This. Stupid. Movie.

I am aware that this is probably the most inflammatory thing I have ever posted on the internet. I am aware.

But the thing is, guys, if you are a grown-ass adult, who has watched and read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy that either obeys the laws of physics or gives reasonable canonical explanations why physics don't apply in that universe, and who already knows all of the Big Reveals that happen in that movie, it just isn't very good. 

I can see how if it was your first sci-fi, or if you watched it as a kid, or if you didn't know any of the spoilers, or if you aren't that bothered by plots being spoon-fed to you because George Lucas thinks you are incapable of following anything, then you could be really into this movie. I can see how if I had seen it at 8 instead of 25, I might have been a real big Star Wars nerd and dressed up as Leia or Han for every Halloween until forever. 

But I didn't. It did not happen. I'm sorry to have failed you, internet. I know I'm supposed to love Star Wars, and I promise I will watch the rest of them and report back.

But jesus, that is not objectively a good movie. It just isn't.

Please be gentle with your hate, and remember the commenting guidelines.